Weekend Reads #35: An Existential Crisis

Weekend Reads is a weekly discussion on a variety of topics. At the end of the post, I’ll include what I plan to read on the weekend.

This weekend’s question:

What’s on my mind? The blueprint for life.

Really, this Weekend Reads meme is supposed to be on bookish topics but, as you see, I talk about a bunch of random shit on here, especially since I often don’t know what to talk about. Today, I’m going with what’s been on my mind since I woke up this morning:

Life.

My life is weird, I think. Every year since college certain things often happen only at certain times of the year. I’m always happy in summer. Always broke in the fall. Always suffer from an existential crisis in the winter. And always…. I don’t know what happens in the spring. But right now is the existential crisis time and maybe existential crisis is too strong a phrase to describe what I’m dealing with and thinking about but it closely fits.

Every year around this time I start to think about the meaning of life. What’s the point of living? Why am I alive? Is there something special I’m supposed to be doing? Do I have a destiny? Am I really just a hobbit in this huge universe and not know it? Sometimes these thoughts make me depressed and I draw or read and until I’m back to my old self. Other times, like now, it propels me to action and makes me alter the course I’m on to better able to reach my goals. But then I question my goals as well. What am I supposed to be reaching for? Is there a blueprint for life or should I just do whatever and see how it ends? Am I doing this thing right? Is life really a cycle? If so, are we then born again? Are we allowed a do-over?

These questions are annoying and perplexing because they lead into and out of each other. And there are no answers. Or rather, no concrete answers that I’ll know to be true. But why do I always think these things at this time of year? Why am I bothered with the direction of my life now? Is it because it’s winter and I often stay inside at this time with nothing else to do but read and think? Or is it because my birthday is coming in a few months? If it is because I’m aware of my aging, does that mean I fear growing older? I always thought I didn’t. I enjoy celebrating my age since I more or less continue to look the same. Or does this mean I will someday have a midlife crisis because that would suck unless something cool comes of it like a motorcycle or a wild and crazy party.

I don’t know. I’m quite confused and these thoughts won’t leave me alone for a few months. I’ll try to distract myself with music.

What I’m reading this weekend:

Pride and Prejudice

I’m still reading Pride & Prejudice because it’s boring. I feel odd about it because the majority of the reading population in the world (I guess, but definitely in the U.S. and U.K.) love and revere this book but despite its comedy, I find it boring. The reason why I’m able to continue reading is because I can picture parts of the movie as I read and that helps to make the book less of a bore.

I enjoy the comedy and how the narrator describes the characters but it’s the dialogue that turns me off. They used a lot of words back then to say one thing and seem to speak very politely even when they mean to be mean, or did I read the dialogues wrong? If I could skip the dialogue, I would enjoy the story more. So far, the narrator is my favorite character so I guess that means Jane Austen herself.

So, what are you reading this weekend? Are you also pondering the meaning(s) of life?
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12 thoughts on “Weekend Reads #35: An Existential Crisis

  1. Don’ worry, you are definitely not alone. I think most people tend to have the yo-yo effect through the seasons as well. I know I do. I think it’s partially due to winter being a bleak season with cold weather that keeps you indoors. Things will get brighter even though they may look bleak now and try not to dwell too much on the heavy thoughts (which is easier said than done). When I feel this way I tend to read fluff books, drink a yummy cup of tea, color, indulge in my favorite TV show, or have a dance party in my room (lol). I hope these tips make your day a little brighter! 🙂 On a side note, I couldn’t stand Pride & Prejudice, it’s one of the few pieces of British lit I can’t stand.

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  2. Hey zezee,
    Excellent post and most interesting of topics
    WHY?
    Do we go up and down and round and round :-/

    Thanks for sharing these RANDOMLY weird and wonderful thoughts of yours.

    Keep on rocking 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh dear- I try to avoid these questions as much as possible at the moment (I got wayyy to carried away with this sort of thing when I was at Uni cos I basically had too much time on my hands to think about this stuff) Honestly, I think we create our own meaning- I guess I like to think about Man’s Search For Meaning- how we create meaning in every moment we’re alive. That copy of Pride and Prejudice has a beautiful cover by the way

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  4. Don’t worry. I know that sounds like a worthless piece of advice but everyone goes through doubts over the direction of their life. I’m going through them right now myself. It would be nice if there was one correct answer and we had a formula to follow to get it. The reality seems to be that we have to push ourselves or sit back and let things happen… I’m going to make things happen rather than just sit back and I’m sure you can to. Keep going and keep reading so you get that inspiration.

    I read Pride and Prejudice for a university course and moderately enjoyed it but now that I’m an adult and have a job I cannot read novels like that or anything older than the 1950s because I don’t have the time or concentration. I feel a bit ashamed because I could devour all sorts of books but I stick to short stories and fiction delivered in a terse/minimalist way. I’ll stick to films 😉

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    • Thanks for the advice! 🙂 Yes, I prefer to make things happen as well. Waiting around for something to happen doesn’t seem to work so it’s best to make some moves and see what comes of it. But I’ll be much happier when these thoughts stop plaguing me.
      Yea, finding the time to read is a bit tricky. Usually, the only time I get is during my commute to and from work (more to than from) but I read the majority of this weekend to give P&P a fair shot but I really don’t like it. I just gave up.

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  5. Hi! Sending you loads of good vibes. 🙂 Thinking about life is like sitting on a rocking chair. We would always be in motion, but we wouldn’t have moved at all right? 😉 Whenever I enter that never-ending spiral of thoughts, I pick up a book, and read. I am sure you are on-track that way. 🙂

    I didn’t enjoy ‘Pride and Prejudice’ too, and I am so glad to learn that I am not alone. 🙂

    Have a good weekend.

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    • Thank you! 🙂 Yes, reading and coloring this weekend helped.
      Nope, you’re not alone. I actually just gave up on the book. Pride & Prejudice just didn’t work for me.
      Thanks! I hope you had a good one as well.

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