Weekend Reads #35: An Existential Crisis

Weekend Reads is a weekly discussion on a variety of topics. At the end of the post, I’ll include what I plan to read on the weekend.

This weekend’s question:

What’s on my mind? The blueprint for life.

Really, this Weekend Reads meme is supposed to be on bookish topics but, as you see, I talk about a bunch of random shit on here, especially since I often don’t know what to talk about. Today, I’m going with what’s been on my mind since I woke up this morning:

Life.

My life is weird, I think. Every year since college certain things often happen only at certain times of the year. I’m always happy in summer. Always broke in the fall. Always suffer from an existential crisis in the winter. And always…. I don’t know what happens in the spring. But right now is the existential crisis time and maybe existential crisis is too strong a phrase to describe what I’m dealing with and thinking about but it closely fits.

Every year around this time I start to think about the meaning of life. What’s the point of living? Why am I alive? Is there something special I’m supposed to be doing? Do I have a destiny? Am I really just a hobbit in this huge universe and not know it? Sometimes these thoughts make me depressed and I draw or read and until I’m back to my old self. Other times, like now, it propels me to action and makes me alter the course I’m on to better able to reach my goals. But then I question my goals as well. What am I supposed to be reaching for? Is there a blueprint for life or should I just do whatever and see how it ends? Am I doing this thing right? Is life really a cycle? If so, are we then born again? Are we allowed a do-over?

These questions are annoying and perplexing because they lead into and out of each other. And there are no answers. Or rather, no concrete answers that I’ll know to be true. But why do I always think these things at this time of year? Why am I bothered with the direction of my life now? Is it because it’s winter and I often stay inside at this time with nothing else to do but read and think? Or is it because my birthday is coming in a few months? If it is because I’m aware of my aging, does that mean I fear growing older? I always thought I didn’t. I enjoy celebrating my age since I more or less continue to look the same. Or does this mean I will someday have a midlife crisis because that would suck unless something cool comes of it like a motorcycle or a wild and crazy party.

I don’t know. I’m quite confused and these thoughts won’t leave me alone for a few months. I’ll try to distract myself with music.

What I’m reading this weekend:

I’m still reading Pride & Prejudice because it’s boring. I feel odd about it because the majority of the reading population in the world (I guess, but definitely in the U.S. and U.K.) love and revere this book but despite its comedy, I find it boring. The reason why I’m able to continue reading is because I can picture parts of the movie as I read and that helps to make the book less of a bore.

I enjoy the comedy and how the narrator describes the characters but it’s the dialogue that turns me off. They used a lot of words back then to say one thing and seem to speak very politely even when they mean to be mean, or did I read the dialogues wrong? If I could skip the dialogue, I would enjoy the story more. So far, the narrator is my favorite character so I guess that means Jane Austen herself.

So, what are you reading this weekend? Are you also pondering the meaning(s) of life?

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